BEING YOUNG ADULT 08/14/16
As you grow older, you'll meet unpredictable people, face uncountable challenges, but if you can pass it all, you will be grow stronger either. I am on the phase of life when people not trusting me, challenge me with their harsh words, and I can't even stop being invisible no matter how much I had done to prove them wrong, no matter how many times I try to offer them helps.
I am not perfect anyway. I am lazy, I am irresponsible, I am clueless sometimes, I am stubborn. No regrets, I want to thank them for reminding me how to respect others, know how to please yourself without hurting anyone // how to be firm in every way, no matter how rich or old or greater their position, if you're sure about what you believe stick with it, don't let anyone influence your decision // how to be real, because from now on I know I am not a good liar, I am not a good faker and I will never change it // how to be myself more, careless about what people say behind/in front of you, decide which way to go by your own // and last they teach me that (I believe to God, I believe to miracle) never stop helping people by being self-oriented, because the helps can come from anywhere (God knows the best) so don't hurt yourself by expecting people you had helped will help you back.
December. please come soon, let me go and get new story.
FRENEMIES:THAT LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BFF 05/01/2016
LETTER TO MY 15-YEARS-OLD-SELF 12/02/15
Freiburg Research Full Team 2015
Escape from research for a while because we were already in Europe
Yogyakarta Research Full Team 2014
COMMUNITY SERVICE 09/07/15
This is could be my first entry after more than a year vacuum. A lot of things happened in my college life. Amazingly changed the whole situation. That was community service or well-known as Kuliah Kerja Nyata (KKN) in Indonesian. It was obligation for all students in third or fourth year of their study. We were sent to the rural areas all over Indonesia for two months and do voluntary service to the society. At first I thought it was excessive to be there for two months where the other universities only set the program for a month. But it turned out to be such amazing experiences for us all.
I did the KKN in July-August 2014, during semester break. We were divided into group consisted of 24-30 students, mine was 24 persons, then divided again into 3 sub-groups to work in smaller areas. There we met people who taught us many things in life, made us realize how many things in this world we had not known yet, so that we had to keep learning. Even the kids, I missed them a lot though somewhat they were annoying too, they always tried to respect what we tried to do by joining our learning group, sport events, competitions to celebrate independence day. Without them, our days there would not be that cheerful and the older people who keep strengthen us, giving us so many advises, although sometimes it could be hurt. Many times we felt like
So many things I could not describe to you. that was experiences, which are so rich made you confuse to decide which ones to share. The other thing was I got more friends through this program. We were united by the poor condition where the people put pressure on us to make change in their neighborhood like magic, there we learn to cooperate which then build brotherhood. After that rigorous months we finally made it. At first I feel glad that we can back to our normal life as a student, but when I came back to my room, it felt empty, it is been two months I shared rooms with the other 5 amazing girls. That room always feel full and crowded, which made it live. Months after I still feel missing that moment, missing my girls. I could maintain our friendship til now, a year after the community service. We came to each others' big day such as the day we should defense our undergraduate thesis, and then graduation ceremony. I met two bestfriends then. We often hang out throughout our last year in university. Now that two of us had already graduated from university, only one left and she was about to finish her thesis.
DARE TO DREAM 01/19/14
This is my first entry for this year, been busy with final exams this semester, one left to do, so let's chill out for a while.
That day, morning on December 2010, a teacher came approach my class and called five of us. Two of them are my close friends. I was curious, everybody was curious, why were they being called as they were good students, with outstanding achievements in class. They said they were offered to try applying in one of the best university in Indonesia, no test required, only school marks. Only one approved that offer, the others denied, included my two best friends. I asked them why, and they said, they were not interested, and the worst is they were not ready to be away from home. Well, I did not agree with the last reason, I guess it was too bad. Although when I finally accepted in university which is 600 km away from home, I also missed my family and felt like I was stupid to choose this, but I found something really useful for being away from home. I feel more independent, more responsible, and even respect my parents more than before.
Now, it was more 3 years ago, a memory which suddenly poked me to think about something. There are many people with better capacity and quality than normal people, but many of them don't have big courage, a braveness to dream big, high as possible and they ended up being normal people. They maybe choose to be an ordinary person. In other way, there are some people like me who do not have advance capacity, but have a big dream to be big person. The potential people chose not to take a chance in their own reasons, so why not us taking the chance they left behind? The key is having a big dream and keep trying to achieve it. As the old fable told us about turtle and rabbit in a running competition. The potential rabbit (who people believe he would just win easily) was surprisingly defeated by courageous turtle. Dream and courage was the key of being success, potential was just another plus aspect.
BEING BULIED OR BEING IGNORED, WHICH IS WORSE? 12/13/13
A week ago I went to a local NGO around my area to do field research with my group mates. One of their programs is ANTI BULLYING especially at school. And I just found out from their research that Indonesia is one of the countries in the world who got great number of bullying cases and many of the victims ended up suicide. Well, it is enough to say that bullying is kind of dangerous act could impact teenagers' life. When people tried to bring us down, hurtful words or even act of violence, we can just imagine how hard it is for the victims.
But I found something that also got great impact on teen's social life, BEING IGNORED. Imagine when no one care of you. Even in a day, a smile from other people toward us could heal our pain, and you also can found that you feel happy when somebody ask whether you are okay or not. It just show how your existence is important. But some people chose to not care of you, make you feel invisible and alone. It is also pressure to me.
I remember I watched a movie called "Chronicle". It was released on 2012, about a boy who was "invisible". He did not have any single friend, and only has his cousin. His cousin never show total ignorance nor total care of him. This ignorance of people around him, include his frustrated dad and annoying friends at school change him into someone dangerous. He kept his pain inside. Nightmare came when finally he found a stone which gave him "super power", along with his cousin and a friend. He could not control it. His unstable emotion change him into a monster. His cousin found that it was his fault to not really care of him. That maybe this would not be happened if he just took time to care of his own cousin.
Well, I think many people maybe think being ignored is better than being bullied, I guess both are dangerous.
I AM NUMBER 'NINE' 11/18/13
I do not know where to start. I am not a really talented girl. Although, I remember I was predicted as a talented person. Right when I was at 7th grade, a teacher made a personality quiz. We had to chose one number from 1 to 9. I chose 9 immediately without thinking, not because it was my favorite number, I never have any favorite number, all numbers are same and I hate numbers.
Then the teacher start to decode our number choices. “Who did choose number 3?”, the teacher asked and decode the meaning of their choice. I forgot what was it. But I remember one number that I chose number 9. “If you chose 9, you are talented persons. Who chose it?, she asked. Some friends and me raised our hands. She pointed on one student and asked, “What is your talent?” She didn’t know and me either. The worst is until this time my talent is still mistery to me. Well, I can draw, I can do some art stuff (handicraft, DIY things), I can write (at least for my blog and college task), I can cook (at least dessert and it is not bad), I can make a joke (at least for my family and my school mates, not in university though). But, they are all not excellent.
I looked at my friends and found how talented they are. Some are writers, they became editor in some university bulletins. They would write really amazing articles, unlike mine. Some are like ready to be diplomat, he would join any MUN (Model United Nations) events, made great position papers and present it so well. Made a good argument, stay strong with his belief. While me, I would laugh to them when we got a plenary session simulation, they took it seriously. They discussed, argued, like they carried one state's destiny on their hands. I never feel any passion like them in every simulation as an international relations student. I got passion when I was writing essays, reviews, papers, journals, for task. And since then I changed my mind that I dont want to be a diplomat, I want to be researcher. Well, with this passion I made a plan to write academic blog which has not made.
Some are really talented to be teacher or lecturer. They have everything we need when we don't understand the meaning of textbooks. They would explain it like he is the writer of the book or the lecture who handle the class. Some are artist, they would dance in every events in our department, they would design any posters or stickers, t-shirt for any events. Some are joker or entertainer, they would make a really hilarious jokes, being stars in every conversations. And what about me? What is the meaning of choosing number 9 in my 7th grade time? Is it 100% right ? About number 9 for talented persons? Or it just me?
Well, one thing that I can proud to be. I am good listener and observer . So when you tell me story or confession I will listen to you very well, I will take it as a new lessons learned. I am a good observer, I will know who you are just looking at your daily life :P haha I am not oracle though, but usually I will notice my friends who falling in love or have same attraction toward each other. Several times I did it right :) Well, is it my talent? I am still looking for the answer? The meaning of number 9 ...
"We are not so different, you and I ...
cause everybody's got a place to hide
But it's just the things we live in ,
most of the time ...." - Union J #Beautiful Life
There are so many people want to talk to you, but it is banned
There are so many people want to see you, but you are locked
Look. I am available, but none want to talk to me
I am free, but none want to see me
There are so many people miss your presence, but they even do not worry of my absence
Now what would you choose? Being me or just yourself?
No matter how hard these times for you, you are still beyond lucky
SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE 09/29/13
Sometimes or many times we would find that life doesn't always go our way We used to dream high until we met what is called as realityNone has a perfect life, but you can make your own beautiful life
UNION J - BEAUTIFUL LIFE
This is the 2nd single of their debut album. Four pieces British boyband, well-known as a semifinalist of X-Factor UK 2012. This song is really insightful, caught a girl with a dream to be superstar and oppositely a lonely boy in his welfare life...
Show us that none has a perfect life, but beautiful life is possible to make
"Get up off the dark. Open up your eyes. You'll discover there's a world outside. To fix a broken heart, you have to try. Pick it up, pick it up. It's a beautiful life.."
BEING INVISIBLE (2) 27/08/13
GREENER GRASS ON THE OTHER SIDE ? 08/06/13
Well, on 18th July 2013 I found a really amazing article. Worth enough to read, really insightful and make me feel glad :)
I always feel like (as I ever told in previous article in this blog) that I am not that easy to adapt in that university life. Get only a few friends to hang out and even I cant be that briliant as I was in highschool. I dont know I like the subjects but feel like my friends are always one step forward. Sometimes it makes me want to cry like well my old friends in highschool always think I enjoy my new life far away from home in a well-known university. But for your information...no, it's not fully right.
Then I found this article, talk about a good students, had so much achievements both academically and non-academically. Had so many friends around him, even nobody can give any bad testimony about him. He is always described as a sweet person, loyal friend, cute boy, friendly & kind-hearted guy, diligent student, talented athlet, never say no to help, obedient son, polite young man, funny dude. Always positive. "So many girls hitting on him, but he always try to stay humble", his friend describe him. In the surface I can see how lucky he is as a young boy in my age can have anything that I couldn't.
But soon, this article tried to relate him to his criminal case. The writer tried hard to found answer why he would do something bad and end up with "broken family" as a cause in his bad choice to involve in criminal.The way his parents seemed cant find time to care of him, and his friends even never get to see his family along with him that often. He even had to live almost alone as his parents are leaving him for hometown, his siblings now has made their own families with their own new problems. And he still have to fight until reach a stage to settle down like them, study hard in university with his small amount of scholarship. Led him to get another occupation to fulfill his own needs as a student and teenager. He even always booming happily when found a free wi-fi area :P I might say he has a hard life in his young age. Try to fulfil his own needs with so many barriers keep him in limit.
When I tried to relate it with my own life. I feel so much blessed. I might be invisible in university, always feel better accepted in my school time and always feel like I am just another unlucky girl in this world. Nothing special I have, I can't be happy and so on but then I wake up. I see that I still blessed with complete family who still love each other. My mom and dad always be together, I can get along with my sister and brother. My friends always amazed in a way my family can be so close like this. There is no any critical issue in my home. Home is always the best place for my family, we always love to be here. And I never have to find my own money to fulfil my needs. I still have parents who take a responsibility to pay my university fee. This time I found that I am also such a lucky girl. I am not that alone, I stil have friends that care of me, even if they are all not here with me during my university life.
I honestly can't believe 100% that the space between him and his family can be one of the causal explanations in his criminal involvement. But despite all speculations about his reasons to get into crime, I found something really insightful. That after all this time I thought he has great life but there is a big hole inside it. He feel it, he maybe hurt inside but wise and good enough not to show it, until now people try to figure out about his underneath problems. From his story I conclude that well yeah there is a proverb that said "grass always look greener in the other side", we always like "look how green the grass they have = how lucky she is, how better life she has, how perfect she is as a person, etc". But then I found that one being ourselves, love what we have recently, regards what God gave us are the best way to live our lives. Nobody has a perfect life, but good life is possible to achieve. :))
BEING INVISIBLE (1) 07/21/2013
But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they left and she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day that you will ask her...her name
Quoted from Marie Digby's Miss Invisible song :) It is really sad lyrics talk about a girl who can't adapt well with her new phase of life especially at school. The way she always being ignored and none to rely on. had tried hard to fit in but it just doesn't work yet :(
More sad when I have to confess it really fits my life in my freshman year in university. I try to find good friends who can I talk to, hang out with, study together with, and help each other. But what I found is they had made groups and I was not involved in any of groups. It got worst when I have to face the reality that I dont live in my hometown with my beloved family as my uni is about 8 hours away from home. I live with my relatives there but they are not the ones who care much like my own family. Also friends here who can't be like my old friends at school :( I often spend time crying, heartbreaking when I saw my university mates can fit in like they had found their second family here as they have many friends who care about their problems--- care when they were in pain, give them birthday surprise, looking for them to hang out, lost them when they have to go somewhere for a while. And me , none do it for me here. ..
Though I remember when my cousins gave me a birthday cake and my uni mates sung me birthday song together. At first I feel so excited like God they know it's my birthday, but it didnt take long time, after morning glory I have to face the truth that they don't care anymore about me. I was being alone again and invisible. Nobody recognize me, give me a gift. No, I don't ask for a gift or birthday cake or a song guys, I just want you here with me, never leave me alone, just talk to me and I will be happy.
In the sophomore year I feel better. I found some friends who cares about me. Not always but it gave me so much relief. That I am not the only one that feel so not fit in with this uni life. I dont mean I hate university, I like to study as this is my dream major and I found passion to study it. But I just dont know why I just dont fit in with most of university mates, they are clever, success, enthusiac, active, really sociable, friendly even. I tried to join when they just gathered and chat but when they were laugh I didnt laugh, I didnt have any ideas to contribute in their conversation. I tried :(
When there are some days off I left for my hometown and met family and old friends. I can fit in, I can laugh so loud, can found myself who are so crowded and being class clown. So happy to met them. Sometimes I feel like this is not my soul to study social science as I am not easily being sociable. But now I have been through 2 years in university, studying this major, I guess this is my destiny. God has given me many things I just will continue this study til the end. I know God always with me and believing him make me stronger.
"You are given this life because you are strong enough to live it" - anonym
"One thing I always appreciate when I travel is that whenever I'm in some far away place, by myself where I know no one, I can just stand and pray to Allah because I know he's always there. Always takes the feeling of loneliness away from my heart"- Fatih Seferagic
SOMETHING CHANGES MY MIND 07/16/13
It is maybe a sensitive things for some people, and I might not say it loud here. But well I follow a certain case this year. It was pretty big case and broadcast internationally, enough to stole world attention for a while. Now it's not a headline in some countries, also in mine, but I think it's still be important case in the origin country.
Well, many news talk about this case and try to found out the truth behind it. I usually read some news from the origin country. But found that the story changed everytime. One speculation come out then break by new facts. One out breaks with new one and so on. I found it's really weird even this case makes the origin country like "divide" between the one who believe 100% with the media and official's stories, Some others 50:50 try being neutral as they dont want to take a rush on making decision and mostly because official stories and media stories seems uncertain. The other 100% feeling disgusted with what media said about this case believe that media just try hard to twist the stories to make people believe that this case is just like what government and media said. Well, I choose to be the 2nd type :) keep being neutral.
I try to follow this case from both side the anti and the pro of media and goverment. Keep open minded and found that this case havent solved and need more time to find the real truth. This case is the most complicated case I ever knew. I often analyze international cases in college but never found any security cases like this. Really it is completely weird and I really interested to check updates on it. Even I just feel like I want to write about it for my bachelor thesis.
Longer I follow this case, reading many news from many countries. I found that really annoying when I found that local news (from my own country), just provide news about it with really bad translation from foreign news :( I often found something that just really not true like they tried to dramatized the news to attract more readers :( Oh.. now I feel like well, guys don't believe in one source of news or just go bury ourselves in stupidity. Second point is the good advantage of being open minded person, that we can respect other perspective, being independent, and yeah it will make us being smarter as we always try to filter and think before we believe on something/someone.
Honestly, at first I am like well nobody in uni or my friends around talk about this case even at class to discuss any possibility on the case weirdness , I also feel like what a stupid and useless to care a lot about this case as it doesnt happen in my country, doesnt effect me or my family or friends. I have nothing to do with it actually but I really feel so blessed to be one who cares about this case. It changed my mind I guess for forever --- don't only believed in one sources, don't easily believe what you read or see, analyze, keep open minded, independent, and critical. Those attitude shows how intelligent we are. I think :)
SOCIAL MEDIA = SHOW-OFF MEDIA 07/10/13
Social media is part of our life nowadays like amost everybody anywhere on earth have one or more. I honestly check mine everyday (maybe everytime). At first it was really amazing that we can use it to relate with world, old friends, to share files, to share opionions and update news. But, lately I don't know if it's just me or maybe you also feel this way. Social media is not more than just a place to show up what we got to many people, especially friends. I know some of us just try to update what just happens to us, share happiness or sadness, expecting someone or friends to respond.
But, really it is not fun anymore when some of social media user try to upload photos when they were hanging out somewhere beautiful (mostly abroad) or just photos of them while ready to eat expensive meals in a luxury or cozy restaurant/cafe. Don't need photos, words also strategy that good enough to show up. Yeah when we just post status or tweet that is makes people curious, wants people to care and respond by commenting or replying your tweet, then it will "undirectly" lead you to show off what you just got. Not only us as an ordinary people, celebrities also use it sometimes other than just promote their albums or movies :(
Honestly it annoyed me a lot. It's like a hard slap everytime I check my social medias I just found my friends post where they are and with whom recently, what they eat, what they do (to show that they're busy), Well, maybe as a human, I had ever done the show-up things. But now I realize how annoying is it for people who can't have any chances like you to show up what they got as they don't have anything to show, haha maybe it really fits me :P But I guess I will give more respect to anybody who actually have so many things to be proud of but just keep it for themselves and let others know automatically.Well, I guess it's so much better and such a great way to relate with others than make announcement via social media, right? I hope social media can still be social media instead of show-off media.
Sorry, but I never want to judge people from that "unique" hobby but I just want to share it here to make sure I am not the one who feel it. It's just my opinion.Thanks.
SEMESTER BREAK 2013 07/05/13
Well, here comes holiday . Long holiday for sure, will get 2 months off and so many things I am gonna do for it :). One of them is just modify this blog I had been abandoned from about a year :P
My holiday starts on 1st July , so now it's the 4th day of Holiday and so far this is what I got
1. Found that some friends spend this long holiday "usefully". Some get jobs, some take short summer school abroad, some take short semester to upgrade their marks, and some be a committee of new student welcome event. Seeing them just makes me wanna be like them, found something useful to do like collect money from jobs/ projects or take part in any event. Well, not all of them take this holiday seriously, yeah found that some of them just playing around, visit tourism spot, or just hanging out watching movies, online, or go to mall. At first I feel like so useless, but well blogging activity like what I do now maybe can be something both useful and fun :)
2. Wow, my marks just come out. Only 2 subjects but they are so surprisingly bad. One of them is just below the minimal standart and I have to retake it next year. Meet the same lecturer and learn the same subject for 4 months again :( ;( awful. Hurt, but life goes on, I hope I am not the only one who have to retake that subjects