Journal

BEING YOUNG ADULT                   08/14/16

As you grow older, you'll meet unpredictable people, face uncountable challenges, but if you can pass it all, you will be grow stronger either. I am on the phase of life when people not trusting me, challenge me with their harsh words, and I can't even stop being invisible no matter how much I had done to prove them wrong, no matter how many times I try to offer them helps. 


I am not perfect anyway. I am lazy, I am irresponsible, I am clueless sometimes, I am stubborn. No regrets, I want to thank them for reminding me how to respect others, know how to please yourself without hurting anyone // how to be firm in every way, no matter how rich or old or greater their position, if you're sure about what you believe stick with it, don't let anyone influence your decision // how to be real, because from now on I know I am not a good liar, I am not a good faker and I will never change it // how to be myself more, careless about what people say behind/in front of you, decide which way to go by your own // and last they teach me that (I believe to God, I believe to miracle) never stop helping people by being self-oriented, because the helps can come from anywhere (God knows the best) so don't hurt yourself by expecting people you had helped will help you back. 


December. please come soon, let me go and get new story. 

 

FRENEMIES:THAT LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BFF 05/01/2016  

Have you ever feel furious with your so called BFF? 
Have you ever feel like you pick the wrong person after all this time to be your bestfriend? 
Have you ever feel like you waste your time sacrificing your time and energy just to support your bestfriend just to find out that it is still not enough? 
And you feel like they dump you, using you, you're only exist when they need you? 

I am feeling it exactly. I am furious with a person I always call my BFF. As you sholud know, she is just like my own sister, I am very close with her family and they are be like my second family. But, lately, I feel like I am the one who sacrifice a lot of time and energy. I hate they way she always find a reason not to help me when I need her. It was only simple demand like 'can you come with me to buy something for my mom?' or 'can you accompany me to meet my informant?', just like that. I think it was just simple. Back like year ago I would make time to accompany her when she need to meet someone for her thesis interview. Then I always make time to help her when she confused about something with computer, English, and even I help her to do some college task, but did she ever try to help me? No. She always said I am cleverer, and she did not understand my college task, it was harder, it was out of her league. And sometimes I hate the way her family ask me for help like I owe many things to them, like they had helped me that much and they have rights to ask me favor. 

Sometimes I hate when she act like she is the most significant person and need all of attentions from people around her, she is busy keeping track with herself until forget that I need someone to talk to about my problems. Then when it came to her boyfriend, she will prioritize him. I hate the facts that when it come to good things, having fun, she will turn to him, but when it comes to hard things, when she feel sad and confused , she will turn to me. When I need her to talk about my problems, I would tell her like a really long story as she also do to me about her problems, but all she can say is 'yes', 'ok', 'oh maybe you need a break'. That short, no solution. 

Oh and have you heard the term "DUFF" Designated Ugly Fat Friend, from a Hollywood movie. A friend who is seen as less attractive but more reachable. I sometimes feel the same when I am with her, despite the "Fat" thing, because I am thinner :P. It is been many times she told me someone ask her out, someone look at her in different way that yeah she has so many fans out there, she is attractive and always easier for her to get help from stranger and mostly guys when she got troubles in the street or any public places. Well, I am not jealous for that, that is her good luck and destiny to be attractive. The most annoying thing come lately, when one of my colleagues at work ask me frequently about her, sometimes he will ask me random things just to get the point of her, like he's been DUFing me. 
Well, it is not the first time I feel like I want to yell at her face asking her to understand me, many times for these two years of our friendship. But, then we always come back up again. We spend time laughing, gossiping again, and I forgive her. She does not even know that I ever angry to her. Whenever I forgive her, that time I was contemplating with my own behavior, like I must have done some things bad too, but she maybe just tolerate it. After all, it was always be like this, sometime you are angry and you need break off your BFF, for one or two days you gonna miss them again, meet up, chat like nothing ever happened. However, friendship is the combination of love-hate relationship between persons, like nobody's perfect but you feel connected and you put aside your ego to accept their bad habits.  And if they are your real BFFs , that's exactly what they're doing with yours. 

In my life, as my parents always teach me,  you have to be real, no need to be fake, but try your best never make enemies. You can hate some people but don't show it up that clearly, act normal, just keep away from them to avoid worse thing happen. One day in this uncertainty of life, you might see them again and you might need them for some reasons. 

*2016                   02/17/16 

I dare myself that at the end of 2015, I did not make any resolution for 2016. Here it goes, right in the middle of January I left my comfortable parents' house back to my uni. Tried to apply for a staff position in a study center. And in the beginning of February I am officially no longer student nor a jobseeker and I began to miss to be those people. A university student who can do anything you want with none try to control you but yourself. A jobseeker who actually have chances for his/her future as many as he/she can make or find. 

Being worker, work for an institution, from 8 to 4 (it refers to normal work hour in Indonesia, in Western culture it is usually called as 9 to 5 job). The worse part is the institution is your ex-university. So, this is the situation, you met familiar faces, but you see them in extremely different way. You see your lecturers differently, you see the administration staff differently, and you see the students differently as well. You began to see how the real life works. Those responsibilities, those workloads, those infinity complains and demands from your supervisors and co-workers. And in the end, my introvertness, my limited capability to adapt in the new environment, my difficulty to get to know new people in a relatively short time, made everything seemed to be worse. 

Everyday, even since the first day I already about to give up, if it is not because of my parents. They are both hard workers since they were young, and keep pursuing me to be strong, they even did not want to listen me complaining. They even saying harsh words about me when I started complaining about work. Well, I have to say that is the way they raise me since I were so much younger. I grow up with no compliments, but critics. The good things are we became aware of our own bad habits, keeping our feet on the ground, keeping us learning to be better. 
 

LETTER TO MY 15-YEARS-OLD-SELF          12/02/15

Dear 15 y.o. me, 

Hei you're great girl! You are on top of the world now. School is not a problem to you, sometimes you are tired and bored but overall you can handle everything well and you do not to worry because you get the bestfriends in their best condition to look after you. They stand by your side, you can see it. They help and support you no matter what. In the future, you should be prepared that they do not have much time to meet you, take care of you. Just do not resent them to be busy. They are already take care of you that well in highschool. 

Your family was the best too. They might make you feel embarrassed by picking you up after school in complete squad like they want to take you to the big family vacation everyday. In the end you will miss them a lot when you are away someday. Overall, you get so much love, despite all those boys who bullied you sometimes at school. You are strong enough, keep being strong because it is so much easier for you. There are many harder things in the future than just that stupid bullying, well, you are not the only one who is being bullied, your friends and schoolmates too, and it is just about your hair. No problem. 

You have to be grateful, grateful over everything. You can eat anything as much as you can without worrying to be fat. You are in a really good shape and healthy, just exercise more. Because one day, you will find that in the 20s you are going to be easily to be fat. Be grateful, that besides those unimportant bullies, there is no boy who try to get to you which mean you are single and can befriend with anyone. You can observe your in-love-friends as lessons one day you might get in love too with a real person. 

See that everything is so much easier and better than future. Enjoy the music, the movies, and the life without so much internet and smart things around which almost ruin social life nowadays. In the future you will see that everything changes, you wont hear good music as a trend anymore and everything seemed to be crazier. So, while you are in this moment, enjoy it as long as you can. But, you live your life too safe. The biggest thing you do is just keep your childhood dream to travel around the world in your heart. It will take you to the best choice to get out your comfort zone, get away from your science major at school and live away from family to chase your dream. It will be bitter but it will worth in the end. 

You should do more challenging things and take more crazy decisions. Get out of your comfort zone as much as you can. Do not play safe all the time ! 

                                                                                                             
                                                                                                                         Your 22-years-old-self 

#ENDOFUNILIFE                       09/17/15

After four years of both misery and hapiness in campus, I finished my study and now being a fresh graduate. It was long journey though, right after the 5th semester break, 6th semester began and it was the beginning of my non-days off life as a last year undergraduate student. I only took 6 classes (usually it was 8 classes per semester, wait  unlike in US or Australia, it was nit big deal to take 8 classes here, even students in exact/natural science had to take 10-12 classes per semester). On that semester I had to prepare myself for KKN, so many things to do for it, yeah select the location and did fundraising. You have to know, I chose kind of crazy location, not near my campus which was need more money and need more preparation. I chose Malang as the location because that is my hometown, I thought it would be better to be near home, but I was wrong. Then, I am crazy enough to change my mind in the injury time, and get out of the group I ve been joining for about 4 months and let the university placed me wherever it is but still around my university. So I randomly join a random group, but turned out I never regret it. It was such amazing group. Thank God. 

After that I did research for a month, finished the report at exactly a month after. Then time come to the reality that I was in the last year and need to do my undergraduate thesis soon. It was obligatory in Indonesian university, I think British unis do the same too. The nightmare begin. I had to change my title three times until finally my supervisor accepted it and let me continue with it. I chose the issue I really care about so I had motivation to do it. Drama begins again. After the research question and the title, it is time to make an outline or proposal. It took me like 3 months until finally my supervisor accepted and let me do the next chapters. This time, first scene of drama start with a guy I never know suddenly text me on twitter, yeah on twitter saying he was under the same supervision and had similar topic with me. Yeah I did not have any bad feeling toward him though it was bit weird. I never talk to him before, we never be on the same class. I just known him as one of the IR students. There were 5 students who were under the same supervisions, one of them was my bestfriend. I was glad to have her around during this crazy months with this amazing supervisor. Yeah my supervisor was known as the difficult ones and it took so long to get him accepted our thesis draft. Always. 

Ironically, the second drama came from my bestfriend who got problem with the supervisor. Really hard problem, so that she should change her supervisor or her thesis would not finish soon. I was really shocked and sad when she told me the problem. I lost one common warrior on the supervision, but it was the best for her. I love her to be strong and kept moving on despite her problem. In the end we did it at the same month, May 2015. The thesis defence was fine I did it with one of good friend to (not him)  and we entered the room at the same time. She presented her first and then mine. Finally we finished our last academic duty. It was really nice day, my good friends at uni, including my KKN-mates came congratulate me. We spend time together until the time I had to go home. 

The research in Germany, the report again, then the graduation ceremony. All finished. I am no longer a student. Now, It was almost a month after the graduation ceremony (on 19th August) and I still figuring out what to do next. 

EU-ROPE                            09/16/15

Freiburg Research Full Team 2015 

Escape from research for a while because we were already in Europe

Yogyakarta Research Full Team 2014

Since the 3rd semester I have like decided clearly in my life I would be a researcher of political science. It turned out I should get more research experience. This time when I was in 5th semester (3rd year) I found an announcement about research project need six students from International Relations with relatively easy requirements, we only need enough TOEFL score, CV, and make two pages essay about the certain topic. At first I feel like I cant join this, I cant make the essay I was too busy doing my class assignment until the deadline came I did not make any essay. Suddenly, the announcement appeared once again said that only few people applied and they need more, the deadline right on the next day. I made the essay soon (1,5 pages long) and update my CV little bit, put my TOEFL score on it and emailed it to my lecturer. 

I almost forgot that I applied to this project until my friend said that may name was written along with the other 9 students to get interview. I had to say that I did not expect to get through as the other students are the brilliant ones and only 6 will get through. That time only 8 came to the interview (including me), the others two were not available for interview, one in exchange program, and the other one need to take care of something in her hometown. I remember it was Friday evening and we had to wait for hours before finally the lecturer came and interviewed us one by one. I remember it took only 15 minutes for my interview, while my friends could take longer time. That was nice interview, I did feel nervous at first, but then I could get along with the lecturer. The key was I did not put any pressure on myself, I did not expect much to get through, it did not matter. Maybe it because I used to fail before, many times and always convince to myself that failing is better than not trying at all. 

Next week I got notification in email saying that I got through and will do the research in September 2014, right after the KKN. The research was really annoying at first. I hate the organizer which was from the German university and the other department. Many things I could not say, but some of the annoying things were we (International Relations students) need to take a class called ethnography method for one semester every Wednesday afternoon, while that time I should have not taken any class anymore and start doing my thesis, and I did not like the lessons (sorry, it just not my thing). We also did not get any compensation in this research project, only certificate and some facilities during the workshop, while other students got some compensation for their living in Yogyakarta and transportation fee during fieldwork. The worst thing was we all have to join their events, no matter what, if you did not make one event they made, like me, they would angry to you and so on, you know, even though the event was only excursion or study tour. And I was on not really good mood, first I just got back from KKN and need some rest actually. Second, I got research partner which was so strict about the research, so that me and one of the partners had to make time at least 2 hours for the research, whether just discussion or interview, or observation. So it is like 7 days a week we think about the research. 

After the research done (finally), we need to make 20 pages of report. They said the 10 best report will be chosen to go to Germany next year. That time I said to myself I do not need to go to Germany, I just need to finish my report and keep away from you all annoying guys :P Despite the bad things happened, yeah, we made friends, may new friends. I love my research partners, Ratri and Julia. Ratri is cheerful girl who always talk Javanese to me hahaha and we like to make jokes together about the research. Julia, the german one yeah she was being German all the time which was really strict to the schedule, but yeah without her courage I do not think our research result would be that rich and amazing. Really miss to talk to them, we always occupied a cozy desk and talk like a professional research as well as a really nice friends.

After the report, my friends and I from IR need to finish the ethnography class, three months more and feel so bored all the time. The worst one we need to do fieldwork as well as the last assignment. Glad that I had one close friend among 5 persons joining us. The other five students were such an independent and brilliant students you know and they always made their task alone. So, there I was with one sweet girl. called Lita who was always help her friends no matter what. We researched the same subjects with different questions. That time we did not hope to go to Germany anymore, we just want to finish this and finish our undergraduate thesis and leave this campus soon. Time flies and it was already 2015 by the way. No news about the research until the end of February when I dreamed about the announcement of the top 10 students chosen to go to Germany. I asked my friends, no one knows yet, only one know and he even did not want to tell the others how did he know that. 

Right in the end of February, my friends started to congratulate me that I would go to Freiburg next June. I did not believe it, I did not want to believe it. Crazy , because I had not prepare anything, I did not have any passport, I could not speak German, I did not have a proper travel luggage, I had not make any research plan to do there and it was only three months left to do all the stuff. The worst thing was Lita did not make it with me, I always pray that if I got through I hope Lita would too, and if Lita was the one who got through, she deserved it more than me. It was her dream all the time. I remember Lita and me always talking about football and the players and she adored Germany national team so much :( but she was really supportive to us all. 

There three of IR students went to Germany on 31st May 2015, along with other 4 anthropology students and three students from a university located in Sulawesi. At first I felt like I did not really get along with them, I stick to my two friends from IR but then I found the other friends from Sulawesi who were also being my angels during our crazy life in Germany. Overall we helped each other, ten of us. I shared room with Sindy who also from Sulawesi and she was amazingly cheerful girl who cares a lot about her beauty :p (my opposite) and despite her small body she ate a lot and sleep a lot as well. We became like sisters. First time we reached our dorm, it was not dorm like in tumblr. In Germany it is called WG ( Wohngemeinschaf) or shared flat. It was really old building and many stuff on it then from that stuff and mess all over the WG we had such a bad feeling that all our flatmates would be guy and artist, so many art things there such as instruments, speaker, paints, and even the wall-art like graffiti all over the flat. There are 5 other rooms and 1 kitchen + living room also toilet and bathroom, all seemed to be like full of boyish and artsy stuff. 

That time no one was in the flat, then after some hours we met a girl who actually live there also, yeah her room seemed pretty neat and simple :) that must be girl, her name is Isobel and she was Canadian grad-student. Then we met the others, Jonas, Laurin, Johanes, and Chavez. All are students and artsy except Chavez who seemed really serious, he already worked not a student like us. It was not that normal to live with guys in one roof in Indonesia, but then in Germany it was normal. Sindy and I felt nervous to know those flatmates at first but they were all really nice. They shared everything. My favorite was the wifi connection which was 24/7 on high-speed (my favorite) so I can call my parents, my friends with Whatsapp call. We also shared food in fridge for everyone in need that was also such advantage. But I was sure they would surprise to see rice and oil in their fridge then. 

The research was slightly more relax this time. I got really crazy topic about Anti-Pegida movement which was German people said less-actual and not really relevant anymore the time I did the research. Yeah it was true, really hard to find the activists who still care about the issue, but gladly it was still related with the refugees issues which never ends in Europe so you know I could relate to that. My team-mates were such amazing girl warrior, Sarah and Nicole. They really good at making contact with the remaining activist and made my research being possible to do. It ended up really well, we did not have to make time 24/7 for research as the subjects also busy, as well as my team-mates. I said my research this time was not that rich of data but pretty effective. Big thanks to Sarah and Nicole, you rock it, girls !

During research I did some trips to Basel and Paris. Both of the were crazy one day trip. I did Basel trip when did fasting and we should walk fast in a really long distance around the town then back to the trainstation, it was like walk for hours until your feet felt black and blue. Glad that the weather was not really hot, yet it was cold enough with unstoppable drizzles. The Paris was even crazier, we took 11 hours in the bus and one sleepless night in Paris with no place to sleep. We were homeless in Paris for one night and I remember for the first time I really miss my room in Freiburg when usually I miss Indonesia. Overall, it was crazy adventure we would never forget. Back then when I was younger Paris, Basel, Freiburg, Europe was just a dream, seemed to unreachable, but God let me be there even just for some days. 

A month was pretty long when I had to deal with the facts that I had to spend Ramadhan (fating month) for two weeks there with the long day (sunrise on 3 am and sunset 9.30 pm),  the weird-taste meals , problem with the tissue-based toilet (in Indonesia we use water in toilet, more water than tissue paper), also some extreme cold nights. Yet, it felt so fast when I remember the way I could walk around the town using tram or just walk, lay on the green and fresh grass, the cool combined with sunny long afternoon, also the good-looking German guys who look like our favorite footballers and actors. The saddest part was saying goodbye to my Indonesian friends who often spend a lot of hard time together, my roomate, and my amazing flat-room where you could see many things outside through the huge window of it. Ah before we leave the flat, actually Sindy and I planned to say goodbye to our flatmates by knocking on each doors, but failed. Three of them were not on the flat, they were out somewhere. The other one was angry to us because we were so noisy while packing and disturb his sleep. Only one who said goodbye to us, hug us for one last time. 

After some days in Indonesia, I still think of my favorite moments there, feel miss many things. Once again being alone in my dormy room, I miss my roomates in KKN and in Germany. Glad that I can meet my friends back in campus, did some things before my graduation ceremony, share my experiences and crazy stories. After all, seeing Indonesia again, my country, my home, always the best place because that is where I belong. I ate normal food again, speak my daily language. But I never regret being away for a while to back home respect more to my country, no matter how bad is it. No place is perfect. Nothing beats home.

The best moment in life is when you get back home after taking an adventure, I think :)

The research though somewhat annoying was my rope to EU  


COMMUNITY SERVICE                                                   09/07/15

This is could be my first entry after more than a year vacuum. A lot of things happened in my college life. Amazingly changed the whole situation. That was community service or well-known as Kuliah Kerja Nyata (KKN) in Indonesian. It was obligation for all students in third or fourth year of their study. We were sent to the rural areas all over Indonesia for two months and do voluntary service to the society. At first I thought it was excessive to be there for two months where the other universities only set the program for a month. But it turned out to be such amazing experiences for us all. 


I did the KKN in July-August 2014, during semester break. We were divided into group consisted of 24-30 students, mine was 24 persons, then divided again into 3 sub-groups to work in smaller areas. There we met people who taught us many things in life, made us realize how many things in this world we had not known yet, so that we had to keep learning. Even the kids, I missed them a lot though somewhat they were annoying too, they always tried to respect what we tried to do by joining our learning group, sport events, competitions to celebrate independence day. Without them, our days there would not be that cheerful and the older people who keep strengthen us, giving us so many advises, although sometimes it could be hurt. Many times we felt like 


So many things I could not describe to you. that was experiences, which are so rich made you confuse to decide which ones to share. The other thing was I got more friends through this program. We were united by the poor condition where the people put pressure on us to make change in their neighborhood like magic, there we learn to cooperate which then build brotherhood. After that rigorous months we finally made it. At first I feel glad that we can back to our normal life as a student, but when I came back to my room, it felt empty, it is been two months I shared rooms with the other 5 amazing girls. That room always feel full and crowded, which made it live. Months after I still feel missing that moment, missing my girls.  I could maintain our friendship til now, a year after the community service. We came to each others' big day such as the day we should defense our undergraduate thesis, and then graduation ceremony. I met two bestfriends then. We often hang out throughout our last year in university. Now that two of us had already graduated from university, only one left and she was about to finish her thesis. 

DARE TO DREAM                          01/19/14  

This is my first entry for this year, been busy with final exams this semester, one left to do, so let's chill out for a while. 


That day, morning on December 2010, a teacher came approach my class and called five of us. Two of them are my close friends. I was curious, everybody was curious, why were they being called as they were good students, with outstanding achievements in class. They said they were offered to try applying in one of the best university in Indonesia, no test required, only school marks. Only one approved that offer, the others denied, included  my two best friends. I asked them why, and they said, they were not interested, and the worst is they were not ready to be away from home. Well, I did not agree with the last reason, I guess it was too bad. Although when I finally accepted in university which is 600 km away from home, I also missed my family and felt like I was stupid to choose this, but I found something really useful for being away from  home. I feel more independent, more responsible, and even respect my parents more than before.


Now, it was more 3 years ago, a memory which suddenly poked me to think about something. There are many people with better capacity and quality than normal people, but many of them don't have big courage, a braveness to dream big, high as possible and they ended up being normal people. They maybe choose to be an ordinary person. In other way, there are some people like me who do not have advance capacity, but have a big dream to be big person. The potential people chose not to take a chance in their own reasons, so why not us taking the chance they left behind? The key is having a big dream and keep trying to achieve it. As the old fable told us about turtle and rabbit in a running competition. The potential rabbit (who people believe he would just win easily) was surprisingly defeated by courageous turtle. Dream and courage was the key of being success, potential was just another plus aspect.



 BEING BULIED OR BEING IGNORED, WHICH IS WORSE?    12/13/13

A week ago I went to a local NGO around my area to do field research with my group mates. One of their programs is ANTI BULLYING especially at school. And I just found out from their research that Indonesia is one of the countries in the world who got great number of bullying cases and many of the victims ended up suicide. Well, it is enough to say that bullying is kind of dangerous act could impact teenagers' life. When people tried to bring us down, hurtful words or even act of violence, we can just imagine how hard it is for the victims.  


But I found something that also got great impact on teen's social life, BEING IGNORED. Imagine when no one care of you. Even in a day, a smile from other people toward us could heal our pain, and you also can found that you feel happy when somebody ask whether you are okay or not. It just show how your existence is important. But some people chose to not care of you, make you feel invisible and alone. It is also pressure to me. 


I remember I watched a movie called "Chronicle". It was released on 2012, about a boy who was "invisible". He did not have any single friend, and only has his cousin. His cousin never show total ignorance nor total care of him. This ignorance of people around him, include his frustrated dad and annoying friends at school change him into someone dangerous. He kept his pain inside. Nightmare came when finally he found a stone which gave him "super power", along with his cousin and a friend. He could not control it. His unstable emotion change him into a monster. His cousin found that it was his fault to not really care of him. That maybe this would not be happened if he just took time to care of his own cousin. 


Well, I think many people maybe think being ignored is better than being bullied, I guess both are dangerous.

I AM NUMBER 'NINE'                                 11/18/13

I do not know where to start. I am not a really talented girl. Although, I remember I was predicted as a talented person. Right when I was at 7th grade, a teacher made a personality quiz. We had to chose one number from 1 to 9. I chose 9 immediately without thinking, not because it was my favorite number, I never have any favorite number, all numbers are same and I hate numbers. 


Then the teacher start to decode our number choices. “Who did choose number 3?”, the teacher asked and decode the meaning of their choice. I forgot what was it. But I remember one number that I chose number 9. “If you chose 9, you are talented persons. Who chose it?, she asked. Some friends and me raised our hands. She pointed on one student and asked, “What is your talent?” She didn’t know and me either. The worst is until this time my talent is still mistery to me. Well, I can draw, I can do some art stuff (handicraft, DIY things), I can write (at least for my blog and college task), I can cook (at least dessert and it is not bad), I can make a joke (at least for my family and my school mates, not in university though). But, they are all not excellent.


 I looked at my friends and found how talented they are. Some are writers, they became editor in some university bulletins. They would write really amazing articles, unlike mine. Some are like ready to be diplomat, he would join any MUN (Model United Nations) events, made great position papers and present it so well. Made a good argument, stay strong with his belief. While me, I would laugh to them when we got a plenary session simulation, they took it seriously. They discussed, argued, like they carried one state's destiny on their hands. I never feel any passion like them in every simulation as an international relations student. I got passion when I was writing essays, reviews, papers, journals, for task. And since then I changed my mind that I dont want to be a diplomat, I want to be researcher. Well, with this passion I made a plan to write academic blog which has not made. 


Some are really talented to be teacher or lecturer. They have everything we need when we don't understand the meaning of textbooks. They would explain it like he is the writer of the book or the lecture who handle the class. Some are artist, they would dance in every events in our department, they would design any posters or stickers, t-shirt for any events.  Some are joker or entertainer, they would make a really hilarious jokes, being stars in every conversations. And what about me? What is the meaning of choosing number 9 in my 7th grade time? Is it 100% right ? About number 9 for talented persons? Or it just me? 


Well, one thing that I can proud to be. I am good listener and observer . So when you tell me story or confession I will listen to you very well, I will take it as a new lessons learned. I am a good observer, I will know who you are just looking at your daily life :P haha I am not oracle though, but usually I will notice my friends who falling in love or have same attraction toward each other. Several times I did it right :) Well, is it my talent? I am still looking for the answer? The meaning of number 9 ...



INSIGHT                                                             10/06/13

"We are not so different, you and I ...

cause everybody's got a place to hide 

But it's just the things we live in , 

most of the time ...." - Union J #Beautiful Life 


There are so many people want to talk to you, but it is banned

There are so many people want to see you, but you are locked 

Look. I am available, but none want to talk to me 

I am free, but none want to see me 


There are so many people miss your presence, but they even do not worry of my absence 

Now what would you choose? Being me or just yourself? 

No matter how hard these times for you, you are still beyond lucky 

SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE                              09/29/13

Sometimes or many times we would find that life doesn't always go our way 
We used to dream high until we met what is called as reality
None has a perfect life, but you can make your own beautiful life 

UNION J - BEAUTIFUL LIFE 


This is the 2nd single of their debut album. Four pieces British boyband, well-known as a semifinalist of X-Factor UK 2012. This song is really insightful, caught a girl with a dream to be superstar and oppositely a lonely boy in his welfare life... 

Show us that none has a perfect life, but beautiful life is possible to make 

"Get up off the dark. Open up your eyes. You'll discover there's a world outside. To fix a broken heart, you have to try. Pick it up, pick it up. It's a beautiful life.."

 
Quote of the day                         09/02/13 

Found this quote when lost in pinterest :) and seems so relevant. Thanks for someone who had upload this. 

Write is a good habit. I remember my lecturer ever said that our brains can't memorized all info in one time, that's why we need to write, to help our brains collecting info we got . 


                                                           
                                                               

BEING INVISIBLE (2)                                                27/08/13

Invisible is really fit me nowadays :( It is so sad to know that I am also always invisible in love stuff. 
I had some cruches since I was in middle school, but none of them really care of me or even just known me as a living person. I doubt that they know I am exist, breathing in this earth :( so sad. Everytime I fall in love it will always end up brokenhearted. Because of that I have some brokenhearted songs which are really fit my feeling and maybe can be recommendation for you who feel the same :P 

Taylor Swift's Teardrops In My Guitar for someone who feel broken when knowing her bestfriend that she love all this time falling for someone else... "I'll bet she's beautiful that girl he talks about and she's got everything that I have to live without...looking those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause he's the reason for the teardrops in my guitar..." But because I am not a girl who play music/guitar :D I often sing it as "he's the reason for the teardrops in my notebook/laptop"  :P #ironic 

Taylor Swift's Superstar for everyone who feel so desperately in love with someone who is really untouchable, unreachable. Fit for me who often found that I fallen for famous people like I am noone for them, just an ordinary fans who care of what they are doin every single time :( "...you smile a beautiful smile and all the girls in the front row scream your name....you played in bars, you play guitar, I am invisible and everyone knows who you are, and you'll never see you sing me to sleep every night from the radio...I'm noone special just another wide-eyed girl who desperately in love with you.." It #hurts.

Demi Lovato's Skyscraper, fit for everyone who feel disappointed for being ignored by someone they loved all this time and about to move one. Listen "You can take everything I have , you can break everything I am like I'm made of glass like I'm made of paper. Go on and try to tear me down I would be rising from the ground like a skyscraper." Love these words much :) 

One Direction's I Wish , song from a person who only has secret love toward someone, but the one he/she love has taken and he/she only can admire her/him from the distance as he/she never had a chance to tell what he feels. Really hurt and touchy, emotional maybe :P " But I see you with him slow dancing, tearing me apart Cause you don't see whenever you kiss him I'm breaking, Oh how I wish that was me... He looks at you the way that I would. Does all the things, I know that I could. If only time, could just turn back. Cause I got three little words that I've always been dying to tell you."

Il Volo's Painfully Beautiful, a song really beautiful for a secret admirers out there. When we fall in love with someone (still) who is untouchable and we just keep the feelings inside us. never had a chance to tell him/her. Oh it was really hurt song, describe me much :P  "Every morning, watch you walking. Sunlight on your skin. Stand there staring, my hand shaking. My heart caving in. You walk by on the street. Take my breath from me. You're out of my reach. You're all that I see. Painfully beautiful, so beautiful. It breaks my heart. Shamefully beautiful and I. I can't look away. It makes my heart ache. You're painfully beautiful.."

Blue's Hurt Lovers. Meaningful, fit to everyone who needs courage. "So when all that you ever believe comes apart at the seams. And when all of the bridges you build are washed away in a stream. Whatever comes. It's not the end. We've gotta fight, and take a stand. Hurt lovers, hurt, hurt lovers oh. Dont give up, dont, dont give up no. Take cover. You can't just let it go. You gotta try, you gotta try. Hurt lovers, hurt so bad again. Find something to make things right again. It dont matter who wins out in the end. You gotta try, you gotta try.."


GREENER GRASS ON THE OTHER SIDE ?           08/06/13

Well, on 18th July 2013 I found a really amazing article. Worth enough to read, really insightful and make me feel glad :)


I always feel like (as I ever told in previous article in this blog) that I am not that easy to adapt in that university life. Get only a few friends to hang out and even I cant be that briliant as I was in highschool. I dont know I like the subjects but feel like my friends are always one step forward. Sometimes it makes me want to cry like well my old friends in highschool always think I enjoy my new life far away from home in a well-known university. But for your information...no, it's not fully right.


Then I found this article, talk about a good students, had so much achievements both academically  and non-academically. Had so many friends around him, even nobody can give any bad testimony about him. He is always described as a sweet person, loyal friend, cute boy, friendly & kind-hearted guy, diligent student, talented athlet, never say no to help, obedient son, polite young man, funny dude. Always positive. "So many girls hitting on him, but he always try to stay humble", his friend describe him. In the surface I can see how lucky he is as a young boy in my age can have anything that I couldn't. 


But soon, this article tried to relate him to his criminal case. The writer tried hard to found answer why he would do something bad and end up with "broken family" as a cause in his bad choice to involve in criminal.The way his parents seemed cant find time to care of him, and his friends even never get to see his family along with him that often. He even had to live almost alone as his parents are leaving him for hometown, his siblings now has made their own families with their own new problems. And he still have to fight until reach a stage to settle down like them, study hard in university with his small amount of scholarship. Led him to get another occupation to fulfill his own needs as a student and teenager. He even always booming happily when found a free wi-fi area :P I might say he has a hard life in his young age. Try to fulfil his own needs with so many barriers keep him in limit.


When I tried to relate it with my own life. I feel so much blessed. I might be invisible in university, always feel better accepted in my school time and always feel like I am just another unlucky girl in this world. Nothing special I have, I can't be happy and so on but then I wake up. I see that I still blessed with complete family who still love each other. My mom and dad always be together, I can get along with my sister and brother. My friends always amazed in a way my family can be so close like this. There is no any critical issue in my home. Home is always the best place for my family, we always love to be here. And I never have to find my own money to fulfil my needs. I still have parents who take a responsibility to pay my university fee. This time I found that I am also such a lucky girl. I am not that alone, I stil have friends that care of me, even if they are all not here with me during my university life.


I honestly can't believe 100% that the space between him and his family can be one of the causal explanations in his criminal involvement. But despite all speculations about his reasons to get into crime, I found something really insightful. That after all this time I thought he has great life but there is a big hole inside it. He feel it, he maybe hurt inside but wise and good enough not to show it, until now people try to figure out about his underneath problems. From his story I conclude that well yeah there is a proverb that said "grass always look greener in the other side", we always like "look how green the grass they have = how lucky she is, how better life she has, how perfect she is as a person, etc". But then I found that one being ourselves, love what we have recently, regards what God gave us are the best way to live our lives. Nobody has a perfect life, but good life is possible to achieve. :)) 


BEING INVISIBLE (1)                    07/21/2013

The beginning, in the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes when they left and she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...
Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day that you will ask her...her name


Quoted from Marie Digby's Miss Invisible song :) It is really sad lyrics talk about a girl who can't adapt well with her new phase of life especially at school. The way she always being ignored and none to rely on. had tried hard to fit in but it just doesn't work yet :( 


More sad when I have to confess it really fits my life in my freshman year in university. I try to find good friends who can I talk to, hang out with, study together with, and help each other. But what I found is they had made groups and I was not involved in any of groups. It got worst when I have to face the reality that I dont live in my hometown with my beloved family as my uni is about 8 hours away from home. I live with my relatives there but they are not the ones who care much like my own family. Also friends here who can't be like my old friends at school :( I often spend time crying, heartbreaking when I saw my university mates can fit in like they had found their second family here as they have many friends who care about their problems--- care when they were in pain, give them birthday surprise, looking for them to hang out, lost them when they have to go somewhere for a while. And me , none do it for me here. ..


Though I remember when my cousins gave me a birthday cake and my uni mates sung me birthday song together. At first I feel so excited like God they know it's my birthday, but it didnt take long time, after morning glory I have to face the truth that they don't care anymore about me. I was being alone again and invisible. Nobody recognize me, give me a gift. No, I don't ask for a gift or birthday cake or a song guys, I just want you here with me, never leave me alone, just talk to me and I will be happy. 


In the sophomore year I feel better. I found some friends who cares about me. Not always but it gave me so much relief. That I am not the only one that feel so not fit in with this uni life. I dont mean I hate university, I like to study as this is my dream major and I found passion to study it. But I just dont know why I just dont fit in with most of university mates, they are clever, success, enthusiac, active, really sociable, friendly even. I tried to join when they just gathered and chat but when they were laugh I didnt laugh, I didnt have any ideas to contribute in their conversation. I tried :( 


When there are some days off I left for my hometown and met family and old friends. I can fit in, I can laugh so loud, can found myself who are so crowded and being class clown. So happy to met them. Sometimes I feel like this is not my soul to study social science as I am not easily being sociable. But now I have been through 2 years in university, studying this major, I guess this is my destiny. God has given me many things I just will continue this study til the end. I know God always with me and believing him make me stronger. 


 "You are given this life because you are strong enough to live it" - anonym

"One thing I always appreciate when I travel is that whenever I'm in some far away place, by myself where I know no one, I can just stand and pray to Allah because I know he's always there. Always takes the feeling of loneliness away from my heart"- Fatih Seferagic 


SOMETHING CHANGES MY MIND                          07/16/13

It is maybe a sensitive things for some people, and I might not say it loud here. But well I follow a certain case this year. It was pretty big case and broadcast internationally, enough to stole world attention for a while. Now it's not a headline in some countries, also in mine, but I think it's still be important case in the origin country. 


Well, many news talk about this case and try to found out the truth behind it. I usually read some news from the origin country. But found that the story changed everytime. One speculation come out then break by new facts. One out breaks with new one and so on. I found it's really weird even this case makes the origin country like "divide" between the one who believe 100% with the media and official's stories, Some others 50:50 try being neutral as they dont want to take a rush on making decision and mostly because official stories and media stories seems uncertain. The other 100% feeling disgusted with what media said about this case believe that media just try hard to twist the stories to make people believe that this case is just like what government and media said. Well, I choose to be the 2nd type :) keep being neutral. 


I try to follow this case from both side the anti and the pro of media and goverment. Keep open minded and found that this case havent solved and need more time to find the real truth. This case is the most complicated case I ever knew. I often analyze international cases in college but never found any security cases like this. Really it is completely weird and I really interested to check updates on it. Even I just feel like I want to write about it for my bachelor thesis. 


Longer I follow this case, reading many news from many countries. I found that really annoying when I found that local news (from my own country), just provide news about it with really bad translation from foreign news :( I often found something that just really not true like they tried to dramatized the news to attract more readers :( Oh.. now I feel like well, guys don't believe in one source of news or just go bury ourselves in stupidity. Second point is the good advantage of being open minded person, that we can respect other perspective, being independent, and yeah it will make us being smarter as we always try to filter and think before we believe on something/someone. 


Honestly, at first I am like well nobody in uni or my friends around talk about this case even at class to discuss any possibility on the case weirdness , I also feel like what a stupid and useless to care a lot about this case as it doesnt happen in my country, doesnt effect me or my family or friends. I have nothing to do with it actually but I really feel so blessed to be one who cares about this case. It changed my mind I guess for forever --- don't only believed in one sources, don't easily believe what you read or see, analyze, keep open minded, independent, and critical. Those attitude shows how intelligent we are. I think :) 

SOCIAL MEDIA = SHOW-OFF MEDIA                              07/10/13

Social media is part of our life nowadays like amost everybody anywhere on earth have one or more. I honestly check mine everyday (maybe everytime). At first it was really amazing that we can use it to relate with world, old friends, to share files, to share opionions and update news. But, lately I don't know if it's just me or maybe you also feel this way. Social media is not more than just a place to show up what we got to many people, especially friends. I know some of us just try to update what just happens to us, share happiness or sadness, expecting someone or friends to respond.

 

But, really it is not fun anymore when some of social media user try to upload photos when they were hanging out somewhere beautiful (mostly abroad) or just photos of them while ready to eat expensive meals in a luxury or cozy restaurant/cafe. Don't need photos, words also strategy that good enough to show up. Yeah when we just post status or tweet that is makes people curious, wants people to care and respond by commenting or replying your tweet, then it will "undirectly" lead you to show off what you just got. Not only us as an ordinary people, celebrities also use it sometimes other than just promote their albums or movies :( 


Honestly it annoyed me a  lot. It's like a hard slap everytime I check my social medias I just found my friends post where they are and with whom recently, what they eat, what they do (to show that they're busy), Well, maybe as a human, I had ever done the show-up things. But now I realize how annoying is it for people who can't have any chances like you to show up what they got as they don't have anything to show,  haha maybe it really fits me :P But I guess I will give more respect to anybody who actually have so many things to be proud of but just keep it for themselves and let others know automatically.Well, I guess it's so much better and such a great way to relate with others than make announcement via social media, right? I hope social media can still be social media instead of show-off media.


Sorry, but  I never want to judge people from that "unique" hobby but I just want to share it here to make sure I am not the one who feel it. It's just my opinion.Thanks. 

SEMESTER BREAK 2013                                  07/05/13

Well, here comes holiday . Long holiday for sure, will get 2 months off and so many things I am gonna do for it :). One of them is just modify this blog I had been abandoned from about a year :P 

My holiday starts on 1st July , so now it's the 4th day of Holiday and so far this is what I got 


1. Found that some friends spend this long holiday "usefully". Some get jobs, some take short summer school abroad, some take short semester to upgrade their marks, and some be a committee of new student welcome event. Seeing them  just makes me wanna be like them, found something useful to do like collect money from jobs/ projects or take part in any event. Well, not all of them take this holiday seriously, yeah found that some of them just playing around, visit tourism spot, or just hanging out watching movies, online, or go to mall. At first I feel like so useless, but well blogging activity like what I do now maybe can be something both useful and fun :) 


2. Wow, my marks just come out. Only 2 subjects but they are so surprisingly bad. One of them is just below the minimal standart and I have to retake it next year. Meet the same lecturer and learn the same subject for 4 months again :( ;( awful. Hurt, but life goes on, I hope I am not the only one who have to retake that subjects 




ART DIARY            09/06/13

11 Aug '13 - My lil bro took this photo from car in our trip last vacation :) amazing sky views and honestly no filter :)